Yesterday was my birthday, and today my world ended.
fell asleep on the hardwood floor last night. the aftertaste of bile still impossibly thick in my mouth, vomit still burning in the back of my throat, wanting a fourth go at it. i fell asleep staring at the ceiling watching as a million futures with you dissappeared in the blink of an instant. watching and staring as a million memories were tainted. tainted, my view of you has been irreversiblely tainted.
"communication is key, talk about it" you and i tell our friends in relationships. yet, when it comes to us, why is it only me trying to talk to you. why do you always change conversational topics every two messages. why do you never at least TRY to engage me in GENUINE conversation. why do you take forty minutes to send me a single fucking sticker. why why why why.
why do you claim to be christian when you pick and choose what to follow. the body is a temple is it not? why do you defile it. why do you care so much about optics and followers? is that not pride? why do you say "love over lust", "let's wait until marriage" and then proudly proclaim yourself to be a "rapeable slut" and a "public urinal" online. is that not both lust and a direct violation of the ten commandments, bearing false witness? gods, mara, what the fuck did i do wrong. when did it all go wrong. fuck.
Today marks the one month anniversary of my relationship with Mara. Today marks the day I planned to confront her about that disgusting pedophilic account of hers I'd stumbled upon. I feel terrible. There is no other way to put it. I feel terrible for finding her dirty laundry, like I invaded her privacy or something, but I also feel disgust and anger at her lies.
Am I a coward for not wanting to talk to her about it, despite the gnawing at my very soul it gives me. Yes, yes I am. I am very much a coward. This is the first relationship, first actual relationship, where I'm genuinely trying. I disregarded Julia and then had the audacity to feel regret as she disregarded me in turn. I, Magic, am a terrible boyfriend undeserving of the beautiful women who have loved me. I, Magic, was a terrible boyfriend who is trying. Trying hard to be less terrible, if such a thing is possible.
It's 10 in the night in Ansbach, where Mara lives. I feel as if she doesn't care about this relationship, about this anniversary. I feel as if she regards this all as a performance, a dance like the ones she trains for. I'm merely a dance partner in the grander scheme of her life I fear. Someone to use and toss. I fear her. I fear intimacy. I fear myself. I fear what I'm capable of if I give into my primal desires of lust. I fear the future and what it holds for us. I fear the past and what I've stumbled upon about her, and I fear the skeletons in my own closet. I fear the present, how every moment feels like a lie. How everytime I say "I love you", she doesn't say it back. How she removed my initial from her bio. How everytime I say "I love you", I know it to be untrue. How can I truly love a lying whore who claims to rebuke her ways yet hid them from me? How can I truly love someone as terrible as myself?
How can I love myself? I can't. The only love I hold is for Mika, the girl who's always been there for me. The girl who I lead on, and still considers me one of her closest people in spite of my terrible-awful-no-good behavior towards her. Mika is the only one I truly love, and I fear that.
I have never loved a woman, nor have I really felt any sense of empathy for anyone in my life until this past summer. It hit me like a truck. The weight of my sins and lust bearing down upon me. I spent probably a week, at a new family summer home, an old Victorian-era house off the coast of Maine, laying awake in a bunkbed staring at the ceiling, the realization of what an awful person I used to be.
There are lots of good women in my life. Lots of genuinely good girls with good souls who treated me well and I treated them horribly in turn. I'm so sorry Ulya, I was, and still am, so undeserving of the brief time we spent together. You haunt me, the way you still talk to me, the way you still try to be there for me. It eats me up inside at night. Especially late nights like tonight, nights that bleed into the next day. I hate nights like this, where I have no one to talk to so I'm simply trapped inside of my own head; left wondering why why why.
I genuinely need to break up with you but god knows I hate being alone. God knows that there are better choices out there, someone who'll love me and make time for me, someone who won't lie about their past no matter how awful, someone who will care about me, who won't leave me on read for multiple hours, who'll actually make the barest of efforts to fucking talk to me. God knows I've met that type too many times to count. Sarah, Julia, Ulya, and at least 70 more whose names I've forgotten and haunt me under the "blocked" list on Instagram.
I'm trying. I am getting better. I am healing. I am no-longer a whore-mongering-manipulative-piece-of-shit, or at least, I'd like to think that. But, the lack of your love Mara, the lies, the sheer outright refusual you have to spend any sort of time with me, eats at me. Eats at whatever rotten shell of a heart I possess. I want to cheat on you. I want to have an affair. I want Mika to come down on a sparkly unicorn and rescue me from your clutches. I know that Mika will never love me romantically again because of the way I was towards her when she did, but gods, can't a man dream? Or is this just some sort of divine karmic retribution; being treated the same way I treated many, many women.
Yesterday I confronted Mara on it. It went, horribly, she kept on ignoring me when I told her to try to talk to me and I kept on begging her please. She lied to me blatantly when I told her I'd found her secret account. I told her I threw up three times and had a panic attack over it. I asked her if she was changing, if she was still a pedophile, and she said nothing. She kept on ignoring the question, as usual for her. Mara is little to me now, she is a rat. I cornered a rat and it desperately tried to bite back.
She told me "I am genuine" and tried to run defense on shotacon, saying "Oh it's just fiction". Like hell it is, you fucking touched yourself to little boys. What the fuck is wrong with you.
Anyways, I love Mika still for supporting me throughout all of this and it hurts me deeply knowing that whatever spark there was between us died two years ago. Also, I love Hal for giving me a space to talk about this. And Jelena, I just saw your comment. Thank you. You will probably never know how much that means to me, but that helped keep me grounded when it felt like my world was collapsing in on itself. Thank you deeply Jelana, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
The trials and tribulations of this current loveless relationship intrigue me most deeply. It feels what I imagine a divorce, a divorce not yet fully completed, would feel like. Metaphorically Mara sleeps on the couch now, and I take the bed.
In short, less waxing, less poetic terms. Mara and I have broken up yet it isn’t an official breakup.
The disgust and moral outrage I held towards Mara has hardened itself into a brittle, hollow sense of indifference. She continues to lie to me thinking that I don’t know. I do know, of course, yet I let it happen. I’m a coward afraid of confrontation and so in-love with the beauty of procrastination. Such is the eternal procrastinator to the point where he delays the inevitable breakup with his emotionally neglectful and mentally abusive girlfriend.
Mika knows I love her still; I always have I realize it now. Yet, Mika cannot reciprocate those strange renewed feelings I have for her. I wonder if the burden of the lack-of-love I had for her weighs upon her still. I wonder if it’s because I’m still technically “with” Mara. I wonder if it’s because my emotional state has been so volatile recently and she wishes not to take advantage of me. I wonder so many things I’ll never find the answer to. Mika tells me about another man at her school she is so deeply infatuated with and it pains me distantly to hear her talk about him in such ways she once talked to me.
You never truly realize what you’ve lost until you’ve lost it, I realize now. Still, romantic or not, together or not, I’ll always be by Mika’s side. I do truly believe those words I uttered to her, and she uttered to me so many moons ago. Soulmates.
I cut my red string of fate three-fourths of the way through I fear.
I’m on the third draft of a breakup message to send Mara. My disgust formulated into hatred, and now a cold indifferent rage towards her. I have the breakup planned out with such meticulous detail akin to Edmond Dantes. I will be assembling a dossier on Mara and all of the ways she’s wronged me and publicly post it, tagging her family, her friends, and anyone else from that village I can find.
I sincerely and truly do hope this is the last time the quiet fervor, the silent rage which burrows itself deep into my soul, can be weaponized for a greater good. Gods know I’m trying to change but it’s hard to swim when everyone you meet tries so hard to drag you under.
i oftentimes wish that the universe wasn't filled with this cosmic cruelty towards us where our lives exist in some sort of equilibrium where whenever things are down for me they're up for you and vice versa
i do genuinely wish whatever brain development led to this basic human empathy happened like two years earlier and i realized it all then and not now
for better or worse i do genuinely love you in a way that truly transcends the platonic and romantic, in a way that is truly existential, truly metaphysical, truly indescribable from the bottom of my heart as whatever sort of thing we've been for like the past three or four years
star-crossed, as in, fated to be but never could be is what just came to mind
i think out of everyone ive ever met you're the only one who's ever stared into the abyss of my being and hugged it back.